The past month has been filled, again, with firsts without Annette Lewis Lear. The first Mission Trip without her, the first vacation without her, and next week is the first VBS without her in about 23 years, as we served together even before we were married.

I miss her...which I know is a ridiculous understatement, but I mean, I really just miss her. I missed packing up for our trips without her. I missed processing the Mission Trip each night, having her give me some "guidance" for the next day. I missed driving for hours without having her to sing along to crazy 80's songs, Worship songs, Sinatra, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Buble, and definitely Garth. I missed seeing her on the beach with the boys as they would pick up seashells and "treasures" out of the sand. I missed walking on the beach, holding her hand, just hearing the waves and talking about everything and nothing. I miss texting her little love notes throughout the day, coming home to see all she did for our family while I was at the office. I miss getting ready to have company over and getting the last minute details done together. I miss taking bike rides on the trail, sitting around the campfire until late at night. I miss feeling her freezing cold hands and feet against me as she climbed into bed (I used to accuse her of running them under the cold water before coming to bed!). I miss reaching back and feeling her there, telling her I loved her as the last thing we said to one another each night. I miss seeing her do her different Bible studies, and talking with her about what God was doing in her life, and learning from her and with her. I just miss her.

Now, I'm not sitting around wallowing in self-pity, I'm just sharing brutally, honestly and as transparently as I can about where life has me right now. I am still not mad at God, I still believe this is all part of His perfect plan that I wouldn't understand if He told me about it, and I know that He has great blessings for me today and for the future. I am finding myself daily asking God to take any anxiety (which is not something I am used to dealing with), to take my concern about the future, and to take any fear I have. To give me His wisdom, and the desire to follow that wisdom! I am trying to be the Godly man, dad and pastor that He has called me to be. It's not easy. I fail often. But I continue to strive to follow Him, trust Him, allow Him to have HIS way in my life.

I would appreciate the continued prayers as I try to get back to being more of myself. I'm learning about who I am as a single man, a single dad, a widower...wow, it's surreal and strange to even type those words, but it's where God has me right now. Please forgive me for being forgetful, sometimes distant, sometimes just odd (which I can't fully blame on Annette's passing!!), and sometimes brutally honest. Trust that I am taking steps each day toward growing, that I'm not sitting around in a deep dark place, that I realize what is going on, but that I'm figuring out what "normal" is for me now. I'm "Learning to Live Again" (circa Garth, 1993). I appreciate the prayers and thoughts of so many for me and the boys over this time in our lives!

In Him, constantly seeking Him,
Joey

7 Months...Sunday, July 6, 2014

Today marks 7 months since Annette Lewis Lear finished her race here on earth and went to be with the Lord. It's still very surreal at times, and I miss the best friend I did everything with every single day. But even through the tough days, such as missing her on my first vacation without her for over 20 years, God graciously brings to mind all the great memories we made together. We served Him together on missions trips, vacationed together, laughed OFTEN AND DAILY, worked on our home together, raised our boys together, and tried to honor Him in our lives and our marriage. There have been many times lately when something neat happened to me, and the first thing I thought of doing was picking up the phone and calling her, which is exactly what I did for over 20 years...she was the one I wanted to tell first about anything good, hard, bad, or happy that happened in my life. But I am adjusting, I am still absolutely trusting God's perfect plan for His ultimate glory. I still know that He has me and the boys in His grip, and that He is doing a great work in our lives and in our futures.

Today, on this 7-month anniversary, I will be spending the day at Annette's favorite place to visit, the beach. I'm sure that there will be great joy watching Brian dig for sand crabs and trying to keep every seashell that he finds. I'm sure there will be waves of emotion that hit me as I recall all the great times and the absolute joy on my Annette's face as she watched the sunset and sunrise like it was either her first or last each time. And I'm sure that God has got me right where He wants me...in total reliance on Him. I look forward to Him allowing me to share our story with men's groups, ladies groups, teens, and individuals. And as a confirmation...I am sitting at Ihop with Brian as I write this and one of the workers brought our meals out. I looked up to ask her if there was anything we could pray about for her, and saw that her name is Annette!! Now, this sweet Caribbean lady did not physically resemble Annette , but what an extra joy to share about our Annette quickly and to tell her how much she loved Jesus!!

Thank you for your continued prayer for us. I got to talk to Michael Lear yesterday, and he's doing well and sounded great (an octave or two lower!). Brian Lear and I are just over half way through our time away from home, and I feel like somewhere around last Wednesday, I finally felt totally relaxed. We are looking forward to visiting many of you on our "tour" home. I can truly feel the words of Paul in Philippians 1:3-5, and can say with confidence that "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Today I am leaving for nearly a month. I am heading to Morgantown, WV with 65 others from Mason Dixon Baptist Church for a week to be the Hands and Feet of Christ. Then Brian and I are heading to Florida for 2 weeks before traveling home and stopping to see family and friends in VA. Excitement and lots of other feelings while packing for Brian and I yesterday, missing our Packing Boss, Annette Lewis Lear. Even running around stressed for last minute stuff was better with her! This will be the first missions trip without her (yet another first I hadn't even thought of until last night). Feeling great peace, however, and still trusting God's perfect plan. If you have that special someone today, love on them and cherish every moment! Take that extra minute to be with your kids. Make sure you are making your life count, not for anything in this world, but for the One who created you and loves you in spite of yourself. I'm doing well, knowing no matter what, God's got this. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him." Ephesians 1:3-4

Rightly timed song...Tuesday, June 8, 2014

I would say that I can't believe it's been half of a year today since Annette went to be with the Lord. It would be more accurate to say that I don't want to believe it! This song came at a great time as I walked the dog this morning and reminded me, again, that He is FOR me, He was for Annette, He's for my future, and He's for my life honoring Him and pointing others to Him. Maybe my hardest Sunday morning yet, but I'm choosing to look to Him and not my sadness, not my loneliness, and not my weakness...I know that He is for me!! http://youtu.be/_35gB76xV_Y

Saturday Evenings...Monday, June 7, 2014

Sitting here watching tv, reflecting on 20 years of Saturday evenings hanging out with Annette Lewis Lear...can't believe tomorrow marks 6 months since she went to be with the Lord. Seems, in some ways, like it just happened, but feels like it's been years since I've held her. Still trusting God's perfect plan even if I'm still not liking it. Thanks so much for all the continued support in so many ways. Getting back to feeling like me again, which is strange since I never imagined a me without Annette. But, again, "...I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day." (from 2 Timothy 1:12 NKJV)