The past month has been filled, again, with firsts without Annette Lewis Lear. The first Mission Trip without her, the first vacation without her, and next week is the first VBS without her in about 23 years, as we served together even before we were married.

I miss her...which I know is a ridiculous understatement, but I mean, I really just miss her. I missed packing up for our trips without her. I missed processing the Mission Trip each night, having her give me some "guidance" for the next day. I missed driving for hours without having her to sing along to crazy 80's songs, Worship songs, Sinatra, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Buble, and definitely Garth. I missed seeing her on the beach with the boys as they would pick up seashells and "treasures" out of the sand. I missed walking on the beach, holding her hand, just hearing the waves and talking about everything and nothing. I miss texting her little love notes throughout the day, coming home to see all she did for our family while I was at the office. I miss getting ready to have company over and getting the last minute details done together. I miss taking bike rides on the trail, sitting around the campfire until late at night. I miss feeling her freezing cold hands and feet against me as she climbed into bed (I used to accuse her of running them under the cold water before coming to bed!). I miss reaching back and feeling her there, telling her I loved her as the last thing we said to one another each night. I miss seeing her do her different Bible studies, and talking with her about what God was doing in her life, and learning from her and with her. I just miss her.

Now, I'm not sitting around wallowing in self-pity, I'm just sharing brutally, honestly and as transparently as I can about where life has me right now. I am still not mad at God, I still believe this is all part of His perfect plan that I wouldn't understand if He told me about it, and I know that He has great blessings for me today and for the future. I am finding myself daily asking God to take any anxiety (which is not something I am used to dealing with), to take my concern about the future, and to take any fear I have. To give me His wisdom, and the desire to follow that wisdom! I am trying to be the Godly man, dad and pastor that He has called me to be. It's not easy. I fail often. But I continue to strive to follow Him, trust Him, allow Him to have HIS way in my life.

I would appreciate the continued prayers as I try to get back to being more of myself. I'm learning about who I am as a single man, a single dad, a widower...wow, it's surreal and strange to even type those words, but it's where God has me right now. Please forgive me for being forgetful, sometimes distant, sometimes just odd (which I can't fully blame on Annette's passing!!), and sometimes brutally honest. Trust that I am taking steps each day toward growing, that I'm not sitting around in a deep dark place, that I realize what is going on, but that I'm figuring out what "normal" is for me now. I'm "Learning to Live Again" (circa Garth, 1993). I appreciate the prayers and thoughts of so many for me and the boys over this time in our lives!

In Him, constantly seeking Him,
Joey