It doesn't seem possible that it's been 8 months since Annette left this world for her eternal home. But it's definitely real and, so often, surreal. I shared with some friends this week that it feels as if I'm living in someone else's life. My awesome sister, Anissa Lear Powers, responded by saying "you are, it's your new life." Big sisters (and women in general) are so often correct! This is my new life. It's not the life I asked for or wanted or even really like at times...those times when I so easily lose focus of the fact that my life is not really my own.
When I forget that God gave me life, and then I gave control of this life back to Him when I accepted His gift of offering to allow me to have a relationship with Him. I didn't just give Him all the sin (the wrong and selfish things I've done) and allow Him to cover the penalty of all of that for me. Yes, I am glad to continually give those things to Him (especially the penalty part), but I so often try to hold on to and try to control the other things in my life. I try to figure out what my future is going to be like. I attempt to lay it all out in “Joey’s Plan.” But there is a MAJOR flaw in “Joey’s Plan.” My plan so often is dependent on what I can accomplish, what my strength will carry, on what my vision views as “good.” The vision part alone should make me sit up and immediately re-evaluate what I’m doing as I need my tri-focal glasses (yes, TRI!) to read close up, see a computer screen a foot away, and see things clearly at a distance! But, one thing I know about myself, is that I’m a slow learner. My high school football coach, Dick Krohl, use to say to me, “Lear, you are S-L-O-U-G-H!” Fortunately, I’m not quite as slow mentally as I am physically!
I have been learning a lot about myself over the past 8 months. Some things I’ve learned I really don’t like about myself, like how I wasn’t as honest and transparent as I need to be (with others and with myself). Life, as I’ve been reminded, is short. I don’t have time to waste on making my life look like it’s all put together in a pretty little box, with a perfectly tied bow. If you’ve ever received a wrapped gift from me, you will know that I am incapable of wrapping something that looks like that! My cuts are choppy (which I blame on a shortage of the green handled, left-handed scissors in elementary school!), I use way too much tape, the bow will be a little off-centered (if on there at all!)…you get the picture. Well, that’s my life…BUT, what I’m learning is that all this stuff on the outside isn’t that important. It’s what I am doing with all the Lord has blessed me with that matters…period! I know it’s a little uncomfortable to hear what God is doing in me sometimes. It’s not always comfortable for me to share how much I miss the girl I shared more with than any other human for over half of my life. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that I do need to ask for help at times. It’s just plain hard to be alone so often, though I understand that for right now, it is necessary. I’m learning that I can be alone without being lonely (though, I do feel lonely often…it’s definitely a process!). I’m learning that I don’t need to be anxious about the future, because He already has it all planned for me…I simply need to submit to His itinerary and be faithful walking through and being in His plan for my life.
The boys are doing well. Brian and I have spent some very sweet time together this summer, and I have gotten to know him even better and enjoy him even more! Michael is doing very well as he works through his program at the Boy’s Ranch. I miss him, and am so proud that he has made “Phase 2” now, which means we get to speak weekly. I am going to see him this week and we’ll get to spend a few days together.
There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that I have probably heard a hundred times, but had not stopped to really listen to until Friday. It came on the radio at just the right time for me, and it speaks so well about where I am in life right now. Give it a listen. Please continue to lift me and the boys up in prayer. Thank you for the many messages, calls and texts you send!
In His Grip, Joey
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