** Warning…sadness may ensue if you read this, seriously! Don’t want to be a downer, just sharing the rawness of my grief journey tonight **
So this is how it hit tonight…I had a really good day, Brian had a good day, and we had a good evening just kind of chilling. I had seen several stories about Garth Brooks stopping his concert and singing to a lady the other night. She was holding a sign that read “Chemo this morning, Garth tonight.” He sang “The Dance” directly to her and gave her his guitar…very cool. Then, this evening, I saw an interview with him and the lady from the concert and he sang just a few lines of the song, which opened up a flood of memories and thoughts about my girl, Annette. We saw him back in 1990 at The Battle of Bull Run in Manassas, right when he was hitting it big and we loved watching and listening to him over the years. Something tonight just really hit me with the lyrics:
Looking back on the memory of,
the dance we shared 'neath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right,
how could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end,
the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you, I held everything.
For a moment wasn't I a king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey, who's to say?
You know, I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end
the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Yes my life,
It’s better left to chance
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance
So I was still holding on okay, and I took Copper for her evening walk around the neighborhood. As we came to a street nearby, I saw an Ambulance in a driveway. There were no lights on, and I have no idea why it was there, but just seeing it took me back to December 8, 2013, at about 9:30 am, when I was standing outside the Ambulance at church as the paramedics loaded her in. I was very concerned up to that point, but something at that moment, maybe because I wasn’t holding her hand anymore since she was in the squad…it just broke. I felt completely helpless, and it was literally like one of those slow motion, “life flashing before your eyes” moments. I prayed that God would just control the entire situation. I prayed for her healing, but for His will to be done. I selfishly prayed that I didn’t want to lose her, and that I didn’t want my boys to lose their mom, and that she was such a rock for our family and we needed her here. I prayed for peace in the midst of that insane morning, and God provided it. He provided it in the form of church family and friends. He provided peace in the form of Gene being able to get Linden and Betty to York in the snow. He constantly provided it in His “still small voice,” in the midst of all the calls, details, doctors and nurses updates. Many of you may not know that Annette was gone within about an hour of telling me that she had a headache, but that the hospital kept her body going as they prepared her for the organ harvest and donation process. They moved her into an ICU room at York Hospital, and as she lay there, I looked out of her window and there was the most beautiful evergreen tree. The tree seemed completely out of place, but WOW was it beautiful as the snow fell and weighed its branches down…if Annette could have seen that, she would’ve been all smiles!! It was just another gift from God as we prepared to say goodbye to her earthly body.
Tonight, as I walked with Copper, I was listening to some music, and I flipped on a song called “Homesick,” by Mercy Me. God has used this song to calm my soul several times over the past 11 months:
You're in a better place I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord won't You give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord 'cause I don't understand Your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But even if You showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home
In Christ there are no goodbyes
And in Christ there is no end
So I'll hold on to Jesus with all that I have
To see you again to see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord won't You give me strength
To make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
I know I just did my 11-month update yesterday, but many people ask me how I am and how things go. I just wanted to share this simple example of how grief hits, will continue to hit, but how He is STILL faithful, in control, and still in charge of His perfect plan (which I still don’t like, but I still absolutely trust!).
That’s all for tonight…have a blessed night. And PLEASE, cherish those you love, and don’t take today or tomorrow, or any day with them for granted!! Trust in Him, that His Word is true. Know that He will take care of the hurt, the pain, and the sorrow, if you trust in Him. He will bring beauty from the ashes, and I’ve never been more convinced of His promises and His Word than I am as I walk this journey.
Goodnight,
Joey
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